Wednesday, 6 August 2014

Diary of an expressing mum: #2

  • I feel like I want to run / scream / cry / go for a bike ride / sleep. 
  • My house is a tip. 
  • My rabbit's hutch stinks. 
  • I've just told Ruari 'I'm fine' and to 'leave me alone'.
  • Everything is annoying me at the moment.
  • There are bottles to be washed and sterilised, laundry to be done, dishes to be cleaned, surfaces to be wiped / dusted / scrubbed, carpet to be hoovered, flea treatment to be administered and a hutch to be cleaned.
  • There is stuff to be planned, sorted through and organised.
  • I constantly feel behind and that I 'should' be doing x, y, z.
  • I've managed to lose 100 Joseph's photos including ones from his first swim; (I think when I 'cut' them from my phone's memory, I never 'pasted' them onto my laptop's hard-drive. I at least have a few that I'd put on Instagram.)
  • I had a fat day today so wore a maternity top for lack of clothes to cover my belly / ass. Joseph was sick on it.
  • Part of me wants to give up expressing as it takes up so much time (up to three hours a day) and it makes it awkward for me to go anywhere for the day or be spontaneous.
  • It makes me anxious; will Joseph behave whilst I express, is he bored, should I be playing with him. How much will I get.
  • I miss being able to nap on the sofa in the evenings like I could pre-baby. Now my evenings are spent attached to a pump in what feels like a torture position as I can't sit back and relax. 
  • But I know the guilt would consume me again if I did give up, especially during the engorgement period.
  • I only have to carry on for a couple more months to make it to six months which was my aim. Not that I'm even exclusively pumping; so does it even matter and is it just a 'thing' I've created in my mind which is making zero difference to Joseph's well-being.
  • My Instagram pictures are rubbish; they aren't cool or arty. I'm not cool or arty. I'm rubbish and my blog sucks. Why am I even bothering?
  • I never wanted to write posts about feeling sad because having a baby should mean you're happy-happy-happy all the time, right?
  • I'm really conscious of my mood rubbing off on Joseph; he's asleep right now but for the last few days I've just felt so 'blah'.
  • I have an overwhelming feeling that all my thoughts are extremely first world and that I have no right to complain or feel such trivial things when there is absolute unimaginable devastation going on in the world at the moment / at all times.
  • I really want to cry and sleep.
  • But I need to express and hold it together so that Ruari doesn't get annoyed that I'm upset.
  • Joseph's smile and the way he clings onto me melts my heart.
  • He had his last set of routine jabs today and screamed & cried so hard afterwards, it was horrible. I'm waiting for him to wake up from his 'big' sleep in pain like he has done the last two times. I hope he will just be able to sleep peacefully.
  • He did well at Baby Sensory today aside from needing to eat during one of the activities.
  • I love that guy.
  • It feels like he is the love of my life.
  • I want to cry with love.
  • I'm so hormonal.

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Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to leave a comment. It really means a lot! Nicki x