This week has been a bit of a rollercoaster of emotion. Ok, maybe not so much of a rollercoaster, more just a trough, with four out of the seven mornings spent crying into my breakfast and Joseph looking at me like 'WTF?!'. I'm blaming hormones, post-holiday blues, and anxiety about returning to work. Let me address the culprits individually.
Hormones; I'm on. TMI, sorry. That's probably all there is to it. I'm pretty sure they're making me eat more biscuits, sweets and chocolates than usual (which is usually a lot anyway and hasn't calmed since Christmas!) I'm sure the junk food only messes with my hormones more and I kind of feel I need to try out clean eating. I think I'm going to have some fruit for breakfast tomorrow morning.
Post holiday blues; I'm grateful that I got to go on holiday in the first place - Lord knows I had my anxieties about taking Joseph beforehand which hindered my ability to get excited about going - but everything was fine, Joseph was fine, and I really wish I was still there. Who wouldn't want to be lounging by a pool, surrounded by family, eating curry every day and ordering room service in the evenings once the baby's in bed?
Returning to work; I've been bottling up a lot of my thoughts surrounding going back to work for fear of jeopardising my employment status, but I really need to vent. Lots of mums I've spoken to about this matter have said that returning to work isn't that bad nor as bad as you think it's going to be, so I'm trying to believe that's true because millions of mums have done it, right? I've been using up some of my KIT days in an attempt to ease me back into corporate life, but I'm not sure they've really helped. I've written about this before, I'm a broken record like that, but I still feel anxious, and that anxiety is making me question my capabilities and motives, and evaluate my life being raised by a single self-employed mother. Every day my thoughts remind me that my time with Joseph is almost up. Of course it's not really 'up'; I'll still see him every day, we'll still spend three days a week together, we can still go to Water Babies, go on mini adventures and visit friends and family; but it just feels like we're coming close to the end of a really special era, and perhaps that is what I'm having more trouble coming to terms with.
Activity-wise I've kept myself fairly busy to combat my low mood - I met up with a couple of friends and visited my dad and his side of the family in Eastbourne on Monday and Tuesday which was long overdue but lovely, bought Joseph a new car seat on Wednesday which was pricey, worked on Thursday to pay off some of the car seat, volunteered for Comic Relief through work with my brother on Friday night which was fun, tried out a baby rave on Saturday which Joseph really enjoyed, and then saw Grandma and Granny today for Mother's Day today. We steered clear of our usual baby groups and swimming as Joseph had a cold and I guess that may have given me a bit more time to be alone with my thoughts. I don't know.
On that bum note (sorry), I'm going to bed. Let's hope my fruity breakfast will be sans tears in the morning. I need to 'live in the now' more because I know I'll regret wasting the next five weeks feeling anxious.