Monday, 25 May 2015

Pics of the week: #39

I cheated last week and wrote about a particular day, and in a way that's kinda sad because now I can't remember what we did last week. I know I worked every weekday aside from Wednesday as that's my day off... I had CBT in the morning and Joseph had swimming in the afternoon. Oh, yeah, we visited a potential new nursery. I couldn't decide though so this week I made Ruari go and visit it too (and the contender I couldn't decide between) and we made the decision together. Annoyingly, had I made my mind up on the day we would've got Joseph in on the day that we wanted him in, but because I hesitated that day got taken up so now we're on a wait list and Ruari is going to have to re-jig things at his work until that day becomes available again. It's ok though. Hopefully it won't be for long.

On the Sunday we went to our friend's baby's second birthday party which was awesome; Joseph was obsessed with their Little Tikes 'Cozy Coupe' and now I need to get my hands on one, and find a place to store it sans garage. Hmm. I have seen them in a sale though and I can't wait to see his face light up when I present it to him... Although I might regret it once he's demanded I push him around in it for hours! I'm also considering a SmarTrike to replace our travel system. Double the price of the Little Tikes car, and not really the same kind of thing at all, but they look really fun and I think Joseph would enjoy that too. Anyone got one? How does it (the SmarTrike) work out for you in terms of practicality? Do you use it instead of a pushchair day-to-day, or just for certain walks? Ruari pointed out that I don't walk him anywhere anymore though... Which is true now I'm back at work [insert broken heart emoji.] Oh, that horrible money/time equation. It was always especially cruel at uni, you'd have the time to go places but not the money. Then when you work you have the money but not the time.)

This week was, umm, weird. I felt pretty run down for most of it, physically and mentally, and on the Monday I had to leave work early as I just felt so rough. On Tuesday I had a bit of a meltdown resulting in my manager coming out and talking to me for about an hour and a half in the car park before suggesting I go home and try to relax.

On Wednesday I found my appointment a huge relief; my therapist said she is going to ask the powers that be about extending our course of treatment as she shared my thoughts that we were only scratching the surface but we're half way through our course already. However, part of me feels like I was so enlightened by our session that maybe I won't need the extension. I've had these kind of epiphanies before and it has inevitably come crashing down around me but I'm at the point of 'ah that wasn't so bad' which I referred to in my post last week. How can I have such a short term memory of such emotional pain? How does it consume me on some days but on others I feel ok? What the actual? What we have noticed though is that memories from the past come to the forefront when I'm in certain situations and we're also distinguishing my motivations for doing things; are certain things my principles, or do I do things out of the fear of something bad happening as a result? I had never even been conscious of what I'd been doing, or thinking, so that was a real eye-opener.

Joseph and I went to town in the afternoon and I bought stationery for my new job. I'd been putting it off for a while as I'd not been in the right mind frame and crazy-indecisive about stupid stuff like 'do I want to appear mature or do I still want novelty crap?', but I finally went for it and went for a middle ground and got all excited. I held off buying the cloud-shaped post-it notes because I figured white post-its on white paper wouldn't stand out and defeat the point of a post it, but I did buy some kawaii stickers for my new functional, and kinda cute, but not really very 'me' diary. Part of me wonders if I'll ever get to use the stuff I bought; Whilst I believe in being open about talking about mental health I can't help but think 'what if my new team see what I've been going through and think 'ah she's crazy' and change their minds about employing me?' But, I also think that I am taking positive steps to work myself out of how I am feeling and bettering myself for the long-term, and that's a good thing, right? I liked this passage that reminds me that the brain is still a body part that needs looking after and that it's ok need to take time and look after it sometimes, just as you would if another part of your body was hurt;

"At some point in your life, something's going to go wrong with your body. So why on earth do humans assume that that their minds and emotions should be above the odd hiccup, upset or even more serious difficulty?"

Joseph was full of cold this week so I didn't take him swimming on Wednesday and it got even worse that night; he barely slept so we took him to the doctor who confirmed he had a temperature, swelling in his ears and glands and what appeared to be sinus pain from all the snot. He started on yet another course of antibiotics and the next two nights were pretty awful; we were sorely reminded of the newborn days. Last night he slept through though so hopefully he's over the worst. He's been really quite clingy, particularly toward his dad, which has been a bit weird for me and makes me wonder whether he's unhappy about seeing me a little less than he used to. I don't know.
I bought this and I have actually used it.
I felt better on Friday and went to work before going to a doctors appointment with my mum and brother, as my brother and I are concerned about my mum's health. I won't go into the details here, but she's probably the worst she's been in a long time (aside from when she's been post-op) and the doctor said it could take up to six months for her to feel back to 'her' normal following her recent spate of pneumonia and another infection; which isn't anyone else's normal unless you're in chronic pain and on insanely strong medication thanks to a cocktail of Spinal Tuberculosis, Arthritis and Osteoporosis. Bleurgh. I am obviously grateful her condition isn't terminal, but I just want her quality of life to be, well, better. I just want her to be happy and pain free without the need for such life-affecting medication, and free from the darkness that she also harbours.

Yesterday I played nurse to Joseph who was catching up on lost Zs. I wish I could've done the same but I am incapable of napping and I wasn't at my house as I perhaps may have done some housework. Perhaps.
Today Ruari was off work so we took it pretty easy; I visited my mum briefly whilst Ruari went to the gym this morning, and my dad also popped over. Ruari and I went to let his parents' dogs out and we had a wander around a shopping outlet; I bought a couple of heavily discounted books; 'Mindfulness for Dummies' and 'CBT for Dummies' - the hottest topics of mine, even though I should be decluttering and gathering inspiration for our build. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. Gahhh. Do you ever feel like there are a million and one things you need to / should be doing, to the point where you can barely even do one thing? When I was off sick on Tuesday, I bought myself some magazines to read in bed but I couldn't read them. Distracted by a million other things and achieving squat aside from feeling guilty for not being at work or getting anything remotely useful done despite not having Joseph with me. I couldn't even read magazines. Or nap. At CBT the next day I relayed to my therapist how awful I'd felt about the whole thing and that I couldn't even account for my time; what was I doing? And I hadn't even done my homework so I felt so unprepared for our session. She said it all just proved that I wasn't in a good place so this week's homework has been to check in on my thoughts and take stock of what I am thinking and doing twice a day rather than letting my brain just rattle on as it does without me even being aware of what it's doing. Which is kind of related to mindfulness and being present in the moment.
Anyway, I'm going to go to sleep now. I've just re-read this post and realised that it is literally nothing that anyone would ever want to read. Ever. And it's not optimised for search... As if any of my posts are. #worstbloggerever

Good night, and thank you for reading it you have read this. I love you. x


  1. This is not at all something nobody would want to read. I read it and enjoyed it like all your posts. I also admire your honesty and I'm sorry you're not in the best place right now. I hope you start to feel the benefit of cbt and the sun comes out for you soon x

    1. Wow, thank you so much for reading and for your kind words. They really mean a lot. CBT was hard-going today and felt exhausted afterwards; came out feeling worse than when I went in but I have definitely found it useful for recognising unhelpful thought patterns! Thank you again for reading xx

  2. First of all I want to say that I enjoyed reading this. (I'm very nosy, so reading about other people's day to day lives is my kinda Wednesday evening.)
    Secondly I want to say I hope your mum feels better soon.

    And I also want to say that I understand completely about the CBT and Mindfulness. Mindfulness is amazing but it does take some getting used to doesn't it? I sat there for weeks in meditation sessions thinking 'this is absolute bollocks' and even went and sat in another room for one because I just couldn't switch off but after Elliot's gone to bed I really try to ground myself a bit and concentrate on what I'm feeling and where i am and what's going on around me instead and it really helps to calm me down.

    I'm sorry you're feeling a bit low and I hope you feel better soon xxx

    1. Hi Hayley, thank you so much for reading and commenting! It really means a lot. I haven't yet got the hang of mindfulness at all - I have never been able meditate despite my best efforts in the past but am going to give it all another go. That's great to hear about how you meditate and that it's not all about visualising a garden etc, etc. I can relate a bit more to acknowldging feelings rather than trying to forget them and think about something else. Thank you again xx

  3. Meh! Totally get the not napping thing. Babies are at granny and I should be napping since Emma didn't sleep last night but here I am :))

    Love the last photo!


Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to leave a comment. It really means a lot! Nicki x