Monday, 6 July 2015

Pic(s) of the week

I feel like I spent a larger proportion of the last week asleep than I would in a normal week. I'm pretty sure it was because of the course of antibiotics I was on for Tonsillitis, (which I have now finished and has cleared up); and perhaps just recovering from the infection itself, mixed in with working and being a mum. I was just completely wiped out. And this will probably sound really stupid, but I feel like I learnt a bit about myself from having Tonsillitis...Ok, so hear/read me out as I try to explain... 

I've, touch-wood, never really had anything wrong with me; no conditions, no illnesses or infections that have required any sort of medication really, but what I have had are a fair few bouts of depression. Which, although I've quite openly talked about it, I've always felt a bit weird about because even though depression has been diagnosed, and I have said the words, I have always found it hard to accept that I feel that way and that depression is what it is. "Like, how can it be? What have I got to be depressed about, so many worse things going on in the world / happening to other people" etc, etc. Whereas with Tonsillitis, it was an actual 'thing' (ok, we're clearly not talking life-threatening here, but a diagnosable 'thing' nonetheless); there were symptoms for days (hot and cold sweats, pain with swallowing, swollen and tender grands, dizziness and headaches which I put down to having a cold or maybe the flu) but when the symptoms became visible i.e. my tonsils had the white things on them - only then did I believe that there was something wrong. I only believed I was ill when I saw it, and a doctor diagnosed it, and gave me medicine for it (which kicked in on Monday night after starting the course on Saturday). So what I'm saying is that having Tonsillitis made me start to believe myself when I don't feel well. And I am starting to believe that I am not a wimp. And when something hurts enough for me to complain about it (I don't consider myself to be much of a complainer), then I know now it's bad. It made me think back to my breastfeeding struggles, which even though I know were struggles, I find it hard to accept that I 'gave up' because it hurt so much and it was hurting enough to mess with my head and make every day a misery and for me to not want to hold Joseph. But I seem to be closer to accepting that that is what happened and believing that I really did try my best, and believe that I am not just a quitter. Although there is a part of me that is doubting myself even as I try to write this with conviction. But am I just trying to convince myself of something to make myself feel better? No. Breastfeeding fucking hurt. I am not a wimp. I didn't scream in labour. I unintentionally went all Katie Holmes in fact. (I hate swearing in blog posts, but it felt appropriate. I might go back and edit that out. Maybe.)

Long story short; I'm learning to listen to my body and accept what it's trying to telling me, and that just because I can't see it doesn't mean it's not really happening. 
Aside from being poorly, we moved out of our house on Wednesday and into Ruari's parents' house whilst our building work is going on; the builders moved inside on Monday and there's no way we can live amongst the dust and rubble. We're having some headaches with some changes of plan and, literally, our architect is going back to the drawing board which may need further approval / will increase the length of the project etc etc, but it's so important that we get this right as it's a major renovation. I am struggling to get pumped about the interior designing of it, I think because everything costs so much and it'll definitely be a work in progress once the 'shell' i.e. the building work has been done rather than a brand new-build house, if that makes sense. But we'll get there. I am grateful to have a job so I'll just save what I can... And stop buying things with watermelons on them.


Speaking of which, tomorrow will be my fourth week in my new job and despite being off sick for one of the days last week, I felt like I had a productive working week. I feel really happy about being back (can't remember if I said I'd worked where I am now working before) and it was a bonus that we were given free glasses of Pimms, ice cream, popcorn and candyfloss on Friday afternoon as a summer treat... Although I then got a cracking headache and remembered that you're not meant to drink whilst on antibiotics and had to sleep all of Friday night away. 

In other non me-me-me news; Joseph had a really good week; ate well, played well, slept well (woke a bit earlier than I'd have liked on some days, but hey), and has been doing quite a bit of unaided standing for a second or two at a time. He apparently took a single step the other day, but I wasn't around to see it (I was asleep). It's Ruari's mum's birthday on the 5th of August and we're betting that Joseph is walking by then... I really hope he is as I just can't wait to see him walk. It's one thing I'm actually really excited about. 

There is a moth flying around so I am going to close my laptop now. Sorry that this post is a bit random; I'm trying to get back into the habit of writing regularly. Thank you for reading, and if you're in Kent you should get tickets to this next Sunday. I'll be there, all socially awkward n' stuff. I'm giving away two tickets on Instagram at lunchtime on Monday (today!) xx

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3 comments

  1. A good read as ever, glad you're feeling better. I've said it before, but the fact you pumped for so long shows how hardcore and definitely not a wimp you are when it comes to breastfeeding! Wish I lived in Kent.

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  2. What a busy week even though you've been ill! #MummyMondays

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  3. Sorry you've been ill (Tonsillitis is hideous!) but I'm glad you're feeling better.

    I have those very same thoughts about breastfeeding. Did I give up too soon? Was I wimp?

    The thing is, I hate it when other people say "Oh yeah, breastfeeding was painful for me too but I managed to push through it". Because it makes me think that I should've just 'pushed through it' too. But then I remind myself that my pain is NOT their pain, and vice versa.

    We did what we thought was the right thing to do at the time. Don't ever beat yourself up about that.

    Jenna at Tinyfootsteps xx

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Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to leave a comment. It really means a lot! Nicki x

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