Sunday, 26 February 2017

31 weeks pregnant

I'm pretty sure I was supposed to have a midwife appointment this week; I've not seen her since the first week of the new year, but my notes have next week's date in them with a '31/40' next to it... though I'll actually be 32/40 by the time the appointment comes. I'm sure it's no big deal. It'll just be interesting to get my bump measured. To me, and most people who've seen me lately, it seems huge, but whether it's disproportionately big, I don't know.

This week has been pretty tough on the ol' emotions, and thus energy levels. I think I'm definitely seeing shadows of the black dog following me around. I think when my mind at any given time is thinking predominantly in 'shoulds', comparisons, and wishing my evenings away so I can get into bed without feeling guilty/ sleep the guilt off; it's a bad sign. Other tell-tale signs include: crying whilst driving, crying whilst making pancakes, getting incredibly angry over essentially nothing, making rookie mistakes at work, avoiding leaving the house or seeing other humans and constantly reminding myself how shit I am at life and everything it entails. It's like I can't focus on the task at hand because there's this other, really shitty, narrative going through my head simultaneously; and the tears come out when it all just gets a bit too crowded in there. There's also something about going on maternity leave that heightens the feelings of Imposter Syndrome; handing your work over and feeling like there's so much more to be done and that your replacement will be able to achieve so much more than you have, and thinking that everyone will realise I'm not needed.
And as stupid as this sounds; I want to go back onto Instagram but I can't bring myself to. I haven't posted in almost two months and I deleted the app from my phone about three weeks ago, so I'm completely out of the loop. My account is still active, as in I haven't deleted it this time, but I just... can't.

In other news; I took Joseph to our oft-frequented wildlife park on our week-day off together this week and I ate a 103g bag of Malteasers whilst he wasn't looking. And most of his normal-sized packet. Oops. Joseph was pretty well behaved that day; he seemed particularly interested in the reptile house, more-so than usual, and seeing all the monkeys and the new chimps there gave me weird monkey-dreams that night. As the weather wasn't great it was quite quiet and we were able to take our time in the dinosaur section that has a Jurassic Park-style car you can get in and play with. So the picture above is of Joseph driving.

Yesterday I ate a McDonalds outside a random person's house. It was lunch time and I'd picked my mum up, intending to go somewhere nice for lunch, but Joseph had fallen asleep in the back of the car so, with blood-sugar levels running low, we went to the nearest drive-thru. Only Joseph started waking up when he heard the bag of food rustling, and as I really didn't want to let him eat a McDonalds I carried on driving. Not wanting to let my chips get too cold, I pulled over as soon as Joseph was properly back to sleep and it just so happened to be in a residential area. It was awkward. I felt awkward. Especially when someone parked up behind me who lived in the house next to the one I was parked outside of. But I don't think they really clocked what we were doing, and as soon as I finished eating I drove away. It was a spicy veggie deluxe meal, btw. And I felt slightly less crabby after eating it. When Joseph woke up, we went to the M&S cafe where he had a kids pizza and I drank a nice cup of coffee.

Here's hoping for fewer emotional outbursts this week; from me or Joseph!


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Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to leave a comment. It really means a lot! Nicki x